Babies have been on my mind a lot these past few months. My niece will be born this autumn, so the topic of names has been discussed of late. Having already written a post on the literary names I would consider for my hypothetical children, I decided I wanted to do something a little different for this week.
The following (fictional) parents should be ashamed of themselves for the cruel names that they have bestowed upon their children.
10. Gone With the Wind
Offenders: Mr. & Mrs. Wilkes
Victim: Ashley Wilkes
I don’t care if the name “Ashley” is unisex, giving your son a girl’s name is very much not good. It doesn’t help that Ashley is a total pansy. What on earth does Scarlet see in him?
09. Tess of the d’Urbervilles
Offenders: Mr. & Mrs. Clare
Victim: Angel Clare
Here’s the thing, in spite of all his faults, I actually like Angel Clare. But his name is Angel Clare.
08. The Chronicles of Narnia
Offenders: Harold & Alberta Scrubb
Victim: Eustace Clarence Scrubb
He did deserve it, I guess. Poor kid.
07. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Offender: Pap Finn
The kid’s name was Huckleberry, but everybody called him Huck Finn. I just have one thing to say: spoonerism.
06. The novels and short stories of Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Offenders: Mr. & Mrs. Holmes
Victims: Mycroft & Sherlock.
Imagine their childhood.
05. Wuthering Heights
Offender: Mr. Earnshaw
Victims: Hindley Earnshaw & Heathcliff
Mr. Earnshaw should not be naming children. First of all, what kind of a name is “Hindley?” Second, he just names the gypsy urchin he’s forced upon his family after the fauna that grows on the moors and a harsh rock exposure. Third, the kid uses this name as both his Christian name and his surname.
Heathcliff. Just one word – like Madonna.
Offenders: Hindley & Francis Earnshaw
Victim: Hareton Earnshaw
Oh dear. This cruelty is genetic.
Offenders: Edgar Linton & Catherine Earnshaw
Victim: Catherine Linton
Edgar Linton was too lazy after Catherine’s death to come up with anything better than naming their daughter after her.
Offender: Isabella Linton
Victim: Linton Heathcliff
When Heathcliff hears what Isabella has named his son, all he can say is,
They wish me to hate it too, do they?
– Chapter 17
04. The Hunger Games
Offenders: Mr. & Mrs. Mellark
Victims: Two unnamed sons & Peeta.
The baker names his youngest after bread. I still can’t get over this name.
He has two unnamed older brothers. Apparently in Panem you don’t have to name all of your kids if you don’t want to.
Offenders: Mr. & Mrs. Everdeen
The Everdeens got lucky naming their youngest daughter “Primrose.” That’s okay, but Katniss? No wonder she doesn’t make friends easily.
Plus, she’s not very girly. She spends all her free time hunting and skinning animals. I bet she doesn’t take a lot of baths. I bet the other kids call her cruel names.
Like Cat Piss Never Clean
She’s also not good at bestowing names herself. She doesn’t ever bother learning the name of the female tribute from District 5, so she just ends up calling her Foxface.
Like I said, though, in Panem you don’t have to give your kids names. If Katniss ever did have children, she probably wouldn’t bother.
03. The Harry Potter Series
Offenders: Percival & Kendra Dumbledore
Victims: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian, Aberforth, & Ariana
With that many middle names for the firstborn, I’m guessing the Dumbledores were well posh.
Offenders: Harry Potter & Ginny Weasley
Victims: James Sirius, Albus Severus, & Lily Luna
Harry, don’t name your kids after dead people. Especially people with names like Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. And no, the nickname “Al” does not make up for it.
Also, alliterative names should only be given to superheroes.
Offenders: Luna Lovegood & Rolf Scamander
Victims: Lorcan & Lysander
In Luna’s defense, she had to go through life with the nickname “Loony,” and her father’s name was “Xenophilius.”
Rolf was also cursed with a father named “Newt.”
They just didn’t know any better.
Offenders: King Ror of Leinid & his unnamed queen
Victims: Four unnamed sons (Laziness, people); Son #5 – Prince Silvern (I bet his wife’s name is Goldie, and they have a son named Bronze); Son #6 – Prince Skye (What, is he a hippie?); & our hero, Son #7 – Prince Greening Grandemalion.
It gets worse. No one bothers to call Son #7 by his real name – it’s that ridiculous – so they settle on a nickname:
Offenders: King Leck & Queen Ashen of Monsea
Victim: Princess Bitterblue
Granted, Leck is a psychotic sadist and child abuser, but still – Bitterblue?
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the number one couple who should be severely punished for giving their bizarre abomination of a daughter the worst name ever created:
01. Breaking Dawn
Offenders: Bella Swan & Edward Cullen
Victim: Reneesme Carlie
“Reneesme” is an amalgamation of Bella’s mother’s name “Renee” and Edward’s adoptive vampire mother’s name “Esme”. Carlie is a portmanteau of Bella’s father’s name “Charlie” and Edward’s adoptive vampire father’s name “Carlisle.”
I have no words. I just laughed and laughed and laughed when I read this. (Yes, I’ve read the Twilight books. Shut up.)
Thankfully, Jacob Black, Reneesme’s true love (don’t get me started), comes up with a much better name. Since “Reneesme” is such a mouthful, he aptly names her “Nessie.”
For a human-vampire hybrid baby freak, being named after the Loch Ness monster works.
Having said all that, I have to admit that this post is very pot-calling-the-kettle-black. When I decided it was time to write a fantasy novel, character names became a difficult issue as I was confronted with my own hypocrisy. I might have named a character “Lysander.” In fact, should this novel find it’s way onto the bookshelves of Barnes & Noble, it will probably warrant a place on lists such as this.